The Retelling Of The Retooling Of Ravenswood
by chrisrose
Summary: Caleb needs to be convinced to stay in Ravenswood. ABC Family needs to boost the ratings. I need to rant & make fun of stuff, on-screen & behind-the-scenes. Spoilers for 1x01-1x04 of RW & all of PLL? Might appeal to PLL fans who are anti-Ravenswood, and maybe even Ravenswood fans who don't take the show too seriously? Or people with mixed feelings for both shows? Or nobody but me.


**Title:** The Retelling Of The Retooling Of Ravenswood

**Author:** C. Rosevere (chrisrose)

**Written:** Nov. 13-15, 2013

**Genre:** Humor/Parody

**Rating:** PG for mockery of fanservice shirtlessness?

**Spoilers:** Ravenswood 1x01-1x04, and let's say, all of PLL so far (seasons 1-4), although I only referenced a few events, but as to which episodes to credit...well, who can untangle the web of plot threads on that show? Hey, the showrunners don't remember or research these things either.

**Author's Note:** This is a silly spoof-y goofy fic I blasted off a few nights ago, after watching episode 1x04 of Ravenswood. I wasn't gonna post it 'cause it's basically just an excuse for me to vent about things that bugged me, and who wants to read that? Probably not fans of the show (except for superior, discerning, critical viewers like *you*!), and why would non-fans seek out fanfiction? But then I re-read it (edited my rambling rants), figured it could be considered a crossover with Pretty Little Liars since Hanna's here (or *is* she? Dun dun DUN!) and I *know* there's a lot of Ravenswood-haters in that fandom. ;) So maybe this will amuse someone out there besides me, after all! Actually, if you're one of the many PLL fans who's been boycotting Ravenswood, you won't get some of the references. Oh well! I'd better clarify at this point that I do like Caleb, and Tyler's acting, despite any exaggerations below. I'm really mocking the writers, not the actors. Thanks to everyone who ever wrote a parody I loved, because I'm sure you influenced me. Not that I'm saying I'm as good as you all. I like my poem though.

* * *

**THE RETELLING OF THE RETOOLING OF RAVENSWOOD ****by: chrisrose**

_0000_

_Angel statues' eyes are weeping - blood! The graves, their secrets keeping._

_Buried but no longer sleeping - ghosts! are howling at the door._

_Through the Raven's eyes we're seeing - something scary! Now we're fleeing_

_Back to where we'll find a being - waiting, eager to explore:_

_Caleb Rivers! - who shall remain in Ravenswood - forevermore!_

_0000_

Everyone knows Ravenswood is cursed. Plucky foster kids are drawn there - only to perish! - much like their cursed doppelganger ancestors. A fitting fate for the five foolish teens who could just leave town and they'd probably be fine, fer cryin' out loud. Alas, they cannot abandon Ravenswood - itself a lost, lonely, unwanted child, doomed by it's origins. A spin-off so tragically despised from the start by it's target audience - fans of the parent show who were expected to embrace it. "Supernatural shenanigans do not belong in this town near the incredibly realistic and relatable Rosewood!" - these poor souls cry in outrage. "Caleb belongs with Hanna and it totally sucks that you split them up!" - the voices hiss and moan in anguished torment. But all for naught. The horror is only beginning.

As the Evil Raven Cam sends us careening majestically through the scenic cemeteries of Ravenswood - we approach the Creepy Collins Funeral Home. The Raven lands and peeps through a window - a window recklessly lacking in closed drapes or blinds that would provide privacy from perverted peeps. The person who's living here *must* be from Rosewood, the Raven cleverly deduces.

Inside, a gratuitously shirtless Caleb Rivers reclines. He stares, perplexed, at the message typing itself on his computer.

"Dear Caleb, I hate you! I never want to see you again! You should stay in Ravenswood and take care of GhostMiranda who's so sweet she deserves a sweet boyfriend like you. She needs you more than I do because she's already dead and I'm still alive but in constant danger. She's really pretty don't you think? I'm going to get a new love interest anyway...maybe that guy who looks like Wilden's younger brother, which is kinda gross 'cause you remember (it's hard to keep track of the complicated plotlines of my life story) that Wilden's the creepy dead cop who harrassed me and my mom who slept with him to keep me out of trouble with the police when I was a shoplifter. Her sacrifice was totally worth it 'cause that's a *serious* crime I committed, way worse than bribing a cop. Plus I never would've been able to shop at that store again and they have the hottest latest fashions!"

Caleb nods in sympathy. Poor Hanna. Still, something about this email just doesn't seem right. Caleb furrows his brow, confident he'll spot the clues and figure out the mystery - hopefully before cancellation - because he's stubborn and shirtless and the star of the show. Maybe his trusty black sidekick Remy can help too.

The message continues typing itself, while Caleb reads along.

"Please be advised that I approve of Miranda as your next love interest. As you are aware, I grew very fond of her that one time we met for ...half an hour, or whatever ...and I loaned you to her indefinitely. Just make sure you walk around half naked in a towel a lot. She likes that. She's getting better at moving things with her mind too, so you better watch out! Tee-hee!"

Caleb nervously double-checks his towel. It's still secure. He furrows his brow in relief and keeps reading.

"Whee! Look what Miranda can do!"

Spooky sounds...mumbles and moans...whispers that become SCREAMS! The howling, tortured cries of the latest indie rock buzz band fill the air!

Caleb's monitor starts flashing eerily. An ominous warning appears before his eyes... "Coming soon: Ravenswood The Soundtrack: 13 Great Songs You HAVE To Hear Before You Die! Or While You're Dying During The End-Of-Episode Musical Murder Montage."

Catchy, Caleb muses, furrowing his brow in appreciation. The email continues.

"Okay so, Hanna - that's me! - thinks you're being mean to Miranda lately. She shouldn't have to ghost-knock before she ghost-enters your room and catches you shirtless. The ratings aren't very good and we need your co-operation here."

Shirtlessly, Caleb nods and stretches.

"Ravenswood has to be more like Rosewood, so say goodbye to an atmospheric old-movie-type pace that bores the short-attention-spanned Twitter generation. Enjoy Episode Four: The Retooling. Just like on it's popular parent show, the spin-off will introduce and wrap up some storylines that *could* have been interesting, way too quickly, or in Offscreensville - meanwhile dragging out the central mystery forever 'til nobody cares anymore."

Caleb does push-ups.

"Our market research reveals Tumblr Teens aren't interested in stable romantic relationships or platonic friendships between guys and girls, as Ravenswood rather refreshingly initially portrayed. So! Get ready for more love triangles and break-ups and relationship DRAMA! Therefore, after being carefully non-threatening to Haleb fans for the first three episodes, Miranda decides she's in love with you all of a sudden *and* gives you up for your own good all in one episode. Miranda is so nice and noble, right? She tries to send you back to Hanna - that's me! - so the Haleb shippers won't hate her and will eventually accept her with you, or so the writers foolishly hope."

Caleb finds it odd that Hanna isn't a Haleb shipper. He considers calling her to confirm the veracity of the mysterious emails. But it's hard to exercise while talking on the phone. Caleb wheezes, shirtlessly.

"Get this! The script says Miranda already loves you so much after knowing you for just a few days, that she's willing to give up her chance to be reunited with her ghost-mom in heaven! The mom she never knew and kept talking about wanting to meet! Yup, in the first three episodes she showed more interest in her unresolved parental issues, than in her love-life, but now she's all about you! Even though she can't really be with you anyway since you're alive and she's dead so you can't have shirtless hugs or anything. But isn't it great?! The no-can-touch thing will ease Haleb fans into the idea, creating sympathy and angst! Soon viewers will be begging for Maleb!"

Caleb's brow furrows in understanding.

"Meanwhile, Remy & Luke were too cute together and we barely got to enjoy it for three measly episodes, but, DRAMA! Focus groups felt Remy & Luke's Romeo & Juliet-ish story of parents feuding and forbidding them to see eachother wasn't enough DRAMA!, so that storyline was resolved off-screen with a quick mention of Remy's dad being cool now. But, OH NO! Luke suddenly becomes interested in the girl who betrayed his sister! Well of course it has to *her* for maximum DRAMA! Although this girl was last seen creepily placing a tiara on her head and staring into a mirror like a psycho prom queen who killed all the competition. But now she's just insecure and misunderstood."

Caleb's brow furrows in confusion.

"It's very simple! Luke *has* to dump Remy for trying to figure out mysteries and stuff 'cause, duh! Guys don't like smart girls! Being stupid and stalling the plot has worked out great for me and my friends here in Rosewood, after all. Here's a tip Caleb, honey. If you want your show to last 10 seasons, keep it convoluted, get your cryptic clues from possibly senile old people, and NEVER. REVEAL. OR. EXPLAIN. ANYTHING. FOR. CERTAIN!"

This makes Caleb ANGRY! so he kicks a mysterious box full of things that aren't revealed to the viewer and will probably never be revealed or explained for certain.

"Behave! Or Miranda will make all your furniture and newspapers fly around, and your towel too! Oh, one last thing. You all had such good group chemistry in episode three with that awesome séance scene. So, naturally it's been decided to mostly keep you in separate storylines and scenes with new characters and hardly ever all do stuff together anymore - just like we've been doing here in Rosewood lately and frustrating fans who enjoyed the friendship interaction most of all and pretty much thought it was the only reason left to watch this tragic victim of it's own success. If you're lucky, you'll be a hit too, and stay on the air annoying people for years to come!"

Caleb furrows his brow in JOY! as all of his shirts FLY! out of the closet and dresser drawers, choose shirt-partners and dance in mid-air! Out the window and through Ravenswood's cemetary like happy little ghost-shirts, they float away...never to be worn again.

Miranda ghost-giggles, invisibly. She - that is, Hanna! - has saved Ravenswood forevermore, for sure.

THE END

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**Author's Note #2:** In case you couldn't tell, I found Caleb's shirtless-in-a-towel scene in 1x04 ridiculous and felt sorry for the poor guy, as I do for all actors forced to do tacky fanservice. I was also "inspired", if you can say that, by the laughably cheesy scene where GhostMiranda, who can't touch anything, uses her conveniently acquired ghost-powers to...move the keys on the keyboard with her mind, I guess...to compose an email for Caleb to send to Hanna. Y'know, to convince him to leave Ravenswood and go back to Rosewood. Of course Miranda does this tearfully while some emo song plays. Just a tad heavyhanded and calculated to manipulate viewers into accepting Miranda, wouldn't you say? Hanna usually does the eye-rolling, but she wasn't there, so I rolled mine. Oh, I should mention, Miranda was writing as/pretending to *be* Caleb writing to Hanna, so in my spoof, I flipped it around, and she pretends to be Hanna writing to Caleb. Also, instead of being so noble and self-sacrificing, "my" Miranda's manipulating Caleb into staying with her. Because that's what it all amounts to anyway, even if she and the showrunners pretend they're sincerely willing to let Caleb go. The suits at PLL & RW really seem to think their viewers are morons.

I never expected to get into Ravenswood in the first place, because of the obnoxious way it was promoted/shoehorned into PLL, and of course, the implausible contrivance of moving Caleb over to the spin-off. However, despite obvious writing flaws, I found myself not-bored and kind of digging the old-fashioned ghost-story/classic-movie-inspired aspects of the show. And I liked most of the acting. I care more about likeable cast/characters than premise/plot twists, which is just as well, since, coming from the same minds behind PLL, you've got to expect the plot's never gonna make sense. But even good actors can only rise above so much, and it's a bad sign I'm more annoyed than entertained, already, just four episodes in. To me, 1x04 looked like an attempt to rehaul Ravenswood due to abysmal ratings. (and unfortunately, they're adding some of the worst elements from PLL, which I had been glad were absent on RW) The network must be desperate because they're moving it on their schedule to air along with PLL - although the original plan was for Ravenswood to have PLL-type high ratings when PLL was *off* the air. Clearly it's failing and needs PLL to prop it up. If you ask me, they should be patient and let the show find itself/find it's own audience, and if that's a smaller audience than their biggest hit, so be it. Sure, this way, they might gain millions of new viewers. But they might also lose *me*! So, I ask you, ABC Family...Is it worth it? :P


End file.
